Let me tell you people, an itchy neck and head is NOT a symptom of pregnancy. No. Not everything can be blamed on the knocked up-ness.
An overwhelming itchy scalp so bad it causes one a sleepless night, two in fact, could be nothing else but a symptom of…… NITS! (You knew that right?)
And my, how they loved me this week. They took up residence in my fine ginger locks and I can see why. It was a good choice on their behalf but flip, really???
When I paid a little more attention, I realised Little Vick had been a bit scratchy too. The lot of us were.
After a Dr Google diagnosis, which can I just say, never Google images of nits unless you’re prepared to have horrendous nightmares forever, I rang my sister in a state of mortification. She is a veteran at this parenting gig. She has two teenage daughters so yep, she knows survival. She empathised in the form of smothering giggles and felt even less sorry for me when I exclaimed that I was a virgin nits victim. It was quite shocking to her that I had never had nits as a child. Apparently, EVERYONE gets nits as a child. Not so folks. It’s taken me to become a mother to suffer a case of nits.
THE KIDS are the culprits here. Why do they insist on dragging such vile, stalker like critters into my space? Right onto my head? I’ve virtually been swallowing them! I couldn’t help but go on a cleaning rampage despite all the clear explanations that contracting nits has nothing to do with hygiene or cleanliness. I know this but to the youthful chemist assistant who exercised a foul, judgmental attitude (people who get nits must be scum) and took three large steps back from my obviously filthy, infected self when I asked for a nit comb, yeah, may you be fully infected with blood thirsty nits contracted just by the thin air between us yesterday. Even better, let them be discovered by your new lover next time you try and get down and diggy. I should have told her it was only three weeks ago that we had to do a treatment for worms too, and that maybe, just maybe ‘cos she breathed the same air as me, she might get an itchy bum over night too.
Nits and worms in less than one month. That’s some seriously bad parenting karma right there. WHY???? Surely that’s my dose for 2015. I’m done with the ugly stuff.
Admittedly, all this parenting glamor of recent has certainly brought me right back to a lower parenting reality. This shit happens to good, clean, people. Kids are kids and will get these infestations of vile rankness. Even mine. What a blow.
The one bonus from all of this, I have the most glowing, smooth, stunning knock-your-frickin’-socks-off-locks you’ve ever seen thanks to the old fashioned conditioner trick (flood conditioner into hair, apply a glad wrap turban, wait and hour or two and comb out with nit comb). Really I’ve just had an intense treatment and I should thank the nits for enforcing the self care and for creating such a transformation. I’m currently awaiting my contract for a Pantene ad.