I’d like to get in with the cool crowd so I’m tagging along (ie. copying) with this little writing idea which the great Kylie Purtell started. Then other cool cats like Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me and Em over at Have A Laugh On Me also went there and a whole gaggle of bloggy stars, so now it’s my go.
Drum roll please: Introducing Mr Vick is on the blog. Huzzah!
Yep it’s the guy who will hate having his picture up right there. He’s talking to me on the blog. This post even.
I got my journo on and conducted an interview with Mr Vick last night. I was taking it very seriously with my Dictaphone (OK, it was my iPhone) and laptop at hand but admittedly it was after a very long day and Mr Vick was virtually zombie-fied with zany sense of humor intact. I guess what I’m trying to confess is it didn’t go as swimmingly as I’d hoped. In fact I’d say a DIVORCE is sounding fairly imminent!!!
Prepare to behold the most irritating interview ever.
What’s the best thing about being married to Vicki?
Mr Vick: Ahhhhhhhh….. can we pass and come back to that one?
Vicki: (giggles) really? OK
What’s the worst thing about being married to Vicki?
(Groans) What a question…. (long pause) you said this wouldn’t take long and it wouldn’t be hard, (whining like a toddler) this is the hardest thing I’ve had to do all day (note: he had an assessment at uni today playing geek and examining cells). Can you give me a clue?
Vicki: What? A clue?
Mr Vick (eventually): When I ask you to sew a button on and it sits on the pile for months and months until I do it myself
Vicki (laughs proudly before shifting gears): You better not just talk about me like I’m nothing more than a housewife. People will loath you.
Mr Vick (laughs): It’s all I could think of
What is Vicki’s most annoying habit?
Mr Vick (confidently): When you stick your finger in your ears and you scratch like you have a nervous twitch.
Vicki: Um… (giggles) OK. My ear gets itchy.
Mr Vick: I have told you about this. I’ve tried to get you to deal with it for a long time. (Checking) did you write that down?
Vicki: I’m recording you, yes.
What is Vicki’s most endearing habit?
(Mr Vick groans loudly)
Vicki (disapproving): This is like getting blood out of a stone
Mr Vick (sounding delirious): How can anyone married deal with these questions?
Vicki (perplexed): What?
Mr Vick: They’re too hard.
Vicki (irritated): Oh….. this is not good. COME ON! Just think of something you like.
Mr Vick: I like that you make me cookies.
Vicki (inner feminist gasps): What? (I made cookies for the first time yesterday in months)
Mr Vick: I guess that’s not really a habit is it? I don’t really like habits.
Vicki: Is there something that I do that you like? Something I do regularly?
Mr Vick: Not really
(Vicki has mouth gaping unaware if this guy is plain stupid or trying to stir the pot)
Mr Vick (relenting): OK. You’re kindhearted.
What do you admire about me?
Mr Vick: Um… (long pause)… um… (long pause)… um… I don’t know. Actually I admire your extraordinary mothering skills.
What was the first thing that attracted me to you?
What do you enjoy the most about being a Dad?
Mr Vick: The reaction from the boys when I get home at the end of the day
What do you least enjoy about being a dad?
Mr Vick(with a weary demeanor): Getting up at night. Sleepless nights. Sleepless days. Never getting enough sleep.
Vicki: That answer came easily.
What was your favorite thing to do with Vicki pre-kids?
Mr Vick: Having sex.
Vicki: Is that it?
Mr Vick: Yep. It only had to be one thing right?
Vicki: I guess.
What is your most hated household chore?
Mr Vick: That I do myself?
Mr Vicki: All of them. Cleaning the shower. Picking up the dog poo. Um.
Vicki: So that would be all of them then.
Mr Vicki: I don’t mind those two actually
Vicki: You’re contradicting yourself!
Mr Vick (changing his mind): I don’t like hanging the washing out. Lucky you do that. I’m grateful to you for doing that. (It dawns on him) Ahhh… (shit stirring glint in his eye) that’s my favorite thing about you!
Vicki (irritability rising): That’s your favorite thing about me entirely?
Mr Vick: Yes
Vicki (murderous thoughts growing): WHAT?
Mr Vicki: This is a good thing. (Celebrating) I had an epiphany!
Vicki (has epiphany): I have no idea why you’re married to me! You could get lots of people to do your washing for you.
Mr Vick: (Smirking) then I’d have to pay them!
Vicki (taking the bate): You could get a 94 year old to do it and you wouldn’t have to pay her!! She’d probably pay you!!
Mr Vick: I like watching you do it. I would not enjoy watching a 94 year old do it.
Vicki: (unimpressed) This is weird.
What’s your favorite thing to cook?
Mr Vick: Um….(pause)….just putting ingredients together that are in the house.
(Vicki has bemused look on face and decides to move on)
What do you think annoys Vicki most about you?
Mr Vick (groans): Where to start…. um… the way I look.
Mr Vick: The way I look, the way I think…
Vicki: Can you be less generalised?
Mr Vick: OK. I think you think I’m fat.
Vicki: (Shocked – gasps). I don’t think you’re fat.
(Mr Vick smirks. Vicki is left confused if there is any truth in this)
What do you think I love about you?
Mr Vick: I don’t think you love anything about me.
Vicki: (Combusts) oh stop feeling sorry for yourself!
Mr Vick: I’m being honest
Vicki: STOP IT. DON’T BE RIDICULOUS.
Mr Vick: You’ve never told me anything you love about me
Vicki: DON’T BE RIDICULOUS!
Mr Vick: Give me a clue.
Vicki: (scoffs) This is ridiculous (she is unsure if this is all a send up but sure feels irritated)
Why do you think Vicki is lucky to be married to you?
Vicki (warning): Don’t have a poor me answer buster!
Mr Vick: I don’t think you’re lucky (laughs)
Vicki: This is WOEFUL. Just think about it.
Mr Vick (dramatic sulking) I think I’m a burden to you.
Vicki: Oh turn it up! Why do you think that?
Mr Vick: Because of the way you’re looking at me right now!
(Vicki looking ready to kill)
What do you think the secret to a happy marriage is?
Mr Vick: Sex. Lots of sex.
Vicki (rolls eyes): Anything else?
Mr Vick: Um. Talking about sex?
Mr Vick: Space. Lots of space.
Vicki: Sex AND space? How does that work? …. Ya know, don’t worry. This is over. End of interview. You can go into the other room now. Please. Like seriously, go.
And he wonders why sex is virtually a past time?
That right there peeps is a fine example of a husband winding up one wifey who has no idea, despite being a victim of it for nearly 13 years, that it’s even happening. I promise he’s not a clueless or sexist individual. He’s actually very charming and charismatic but they were on holidays at the time of the interview clearly.